11:58 AM   My mom, tomdad, friends and surrounding people have attempted to smack some honest sense into me far too many times that now they've completely given up and my wolf moaning is just an echo in the wind, making even myself give up on me. This applies to too many things in my life to mention.
....................................

10:58 PM   10 more hours till I have I'm back to work after a long hiatus of 3 months. Believe me, when you have a baby times flies. If you're expecting for the first time, make it a point to reiterate in your brain that you will *not* have any extra time. Fortunately, it's gotten easier the past few weeks. Naomi and I know each other. She's been sleeping usually from 12 am to 7 am which is great! I'm looking forward to returning to work but am a little apprehensive because of the whole daycare thing.

Charles and I looked into daycares a couple weeks ago and found that 2 days a week cost $157, that's like $630 a month and like $630 that we don't have. Stinks. I knew childcare was going to be expensive but I didn't think it would be undoable, ya know? Soooo.. anyway, I visited work the past week and my boss just happened to say that I should bring her in at least until she's 6 months old. Sue, who takes care of Human Resources and I looked at each other like "uh?". I guess we're both skeptical to how this is going to work and that's why I'm jittery about tomorrow. I don't like the fact that I don't have a daycare lined up and the only reason I don't is just that this setup is just too advantageous to not pass up. I've packed all I could pack tonight in hope that it will make for a smoother tomorrow. I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I pump breastmilk because I had a really hard time with breastfeeding (a story in itself) so I'm worried about how the heck that will work too. Yeeps. I'm really in for something tomorrow.
....................................

7:50 PM   Heya. Two more weeks to be with my beautiful baby then the funs over and I gotta go back to work :( It's my strong opinion that moms should stay home with their lovebugs till they're 50 years old :D Of course, I miss work but nothing would of prepared me for the way I feel. She's completely simplified my life in that she's all I care about - my whole world, which I think is a healthy thought for a mom. She's awesome.
....................................

8:24 AM   Yesterday was awful. She was up from 7:30 am to 11:00 pm and wouldn't let me put her down anywhere. I think she had really bad indigestion and gas. The poor thing! Last night was the worst where I didn't know if she was crying because she was hungry or because she had gas or poop pains. She acted hungry constantly. Every time I'd feed her she'd spit it out in pain after a few gobbles. I felt so helpless but we made it. She slept great last night - waking up at 4 now at 8. I can't help thinking that all of this was my fault. I drank so much soda the day before *I* felt bad. I definitely plan to limit my carbonation and caffeine intake until I stop breastfeeding.

The good thing about this week is that she's beginning to smile more. We smile back and forth at the changing table and it's a wonderfully inexpressable feeling. She has the most beautiful smile in the world!

Wish me luck for today - I'm going to need it. Especially, with not being able to do anything yesterday. I hope she resumes to take her naps.
....................................

6:09 PM   :D Tons of pictures of Naomi are posted here:

Naomi Lynn - birth
Naomi at the Hospital
Naomi at home - 1st month
Naomi - 2nd month

I'll keep adding them as I get them. I'm so fascinated by her I take about 50 a day ;)
....................................

4:01 PM   Yeeps it's really hard to care for a baby. I look at other older children now in awe that they've actually survived their babyhood - that their parents actually succeeded in makin' em grow!

It's not difficult to understand why there are so many screwed up parents, kids and people in the world today. Charles and I note that these are the same jerky people that cut you off in line, tailgate you, are bitches to you in the checkout... those are the very people raising kids today. Can you believe it?

Parenthood is similiar to the teenage years in that it's a state of day-by-day survival. And as everyone knows, survival isn't the prettiest thing in the world. No wonder everyone is dysfunctional. So watching children that are happy and healthy thrive is amazing to me.

Today Naomi is 4 weeks old. She's so frisky, wiggly and kicky. She's now beginning to pudge out a bit. I can't believe I've lasted this long with her. There are times when I think, "My God, it would be sooooooo much easier without her" but just looking at her makes all the trouble and inconvenience ok. It's hard to pinpoint what exactly the value is. I know I'll be busting my ass for the rest of my life trying to keep up, provide, and be there for her. Maybe it's just because she's so miracle-y! She's really a mystery that I'll probably be pondering till I die.

Her personality is showing a bit. She's very willful but loveable. I can't help but be reminded of our cat, Honeybear. I even call her Honeybear on occasion - it's embarrassing! Lately, she's on a schedule of staying up from 5pm to midnight. It's not a nice type of staying up, though, it's more like "I need to suck your pinky or I'll scream" type of staying up - which is really hard on Charles and me because she won't calm down with a pacifer or anything - it has to be our pinky with the fingernail facing down! I think it's gas that's making her so irritable.

I should go - no moment can be wasted! And by now my phone should be recharged so I can resume calling about bills and things. I have a ton to do this week but I'll try to get on and post the pictures of her. This is my last week without working :( I might ask for extra time because I barely have enough time to eat nevermind working part time from home.
....................................

1:03 PM   She's here! Naomi Lynn was born on Monday, June 10th, 2002. Yep, after struggling through 5 hours of labor, my beautiful baby daughter left her cubby hole of 9 months to finally greet mom and dad face to face.

The whole experience was utterly surreal - I still can't grasp the fact that I actually was a big pregnant bulbous woman for nine months and then pushed this 7.6 lb bundle out of my body. I suppose that's why the stretch marks are there - so I never forget this precious little creature is really mine. This pregnancy birth thing is a genuine miracle.

I don't have much time to write and after several attempts to complete all the changes I've been wanting to make to this site, I just figured it'd be best to add it bit by bit. Eventually, the birth story and a selected few of the many pics we've taken of Naomi will be posted. Frankly, I'm totally shocked with the amount of time it takes to care for her - it's constant 24/7. They always tell you this, but for some idiotic reason I thought that with my ambition and vivacity, it'd be a breeze or at least "manageable". But sometimes it *isn't* manageable! Sometimes it's sooo difficult - emotionally and physically! Just when the stitches and afterpains become bearable is when problems with nursing take you for a ride. I've come to think of this whole experience as an ocean with at least one big wave to ride, at least this is what my dreams have been about lately.

I don't know what planet I've been living on the past decade, but I never really expected childbirth to be painful afterwards either. Aren't I stupid? It was like as painful as childbirth, really! Recovery was such a pain in the ass. Sitting, walking and laying down hurt! And with all this there's the responsibility of being a mom. I thought most of my character building experiences were over but this is definitely a monumental one and to think that it won't be over for a very long time is really mind gripping.
....................................

6:17 PM   It's been a while, eh?

Well, I should say that there was a false alarm the week before this when I thought for sure cramps that are coming every 10 minutes was something to note. Turned out to be nothin and a big disappointment to us all - including my mom, who from that moment on, has been asking me if I'm in labor yet every day since ;)

I'd like to give a big round of applause to my doctor who said that I'd be coming at least a week early! Shyeeah right, doctor! Last Friday I went in for another internal exam and he said I was 2-3 cms and its possible I could make it to my due date. He also said I'd be having a "good size baby" - probably 8, maybe lower 9 lbs! What's with the small-for-gestational-age-worry we had a month ago? Is pregnancy and baby predicting always this wishy-washy? :D

On the positive side, I got all this week off from work (and felt a little guilty over it) because of the sheer sure-ity I had that this baby was coming quick! Now, I feel a bit embarrassed for my body not cooperating with the detailed labor plans and expectations I had in my head. Yet, at the same time I'm doting in the time I have to prepare for Naomi. (I'm also secretly urging along the selfish want of going into labor AFTER Sunday so that I can see the Flag Day Parade *sigh* I loooove parades.)

There's a lot of trials and tribulations we've been through these past two weeks that I don't know where to start! Firstly, I didn't get to complain about the crib part that was missing its screw hole. That's a story in itself but we resolved it and now have a beautiful crib taking 1/4th of our bedroom :) Go to Pictures to see it! I'm also going to post more ultrasound pics there and hmmm.. some other new things. Now that I've become familiarized with my new digital camera (mom and Lar gave me for my Bday) I can't seem to put the thing down.

Secondly, Charles bought a car, an older Mazda mx6, which he lovingly waxes like once a day (fanatic!) but it failed emissions so we have to figure that crap out. And let's see... Mom and I went on a baby shopping binge for all the other stuff I needed- that was fun, we got a car seat, bed set, tons of sheets and some clothes, stuffed animals, diaper pail, and lots of other things. Oh yeah! And that reminds me - work threw me the biggest surprise of my life - a baby shower type thing last Friday. The company ordered Chinese food and then they totally shocked me with cake and baby gifts in the conference room. It was a very cool, neat, feeling - especially considering most of the employees there are men, most with no kids, and stayed to watch me open up cute pink things! ;)

The biggest news is that we may be able to purchase a home soon! This apartment has been wonderful to us but there are some major issues that I'm concerned about - mainly the lead paint. But it has other serious flaws like there's this long exposed pipe that gets insanely hot and it's boom right there when you walk out of the bathroom so there's no way to avoid it. I've scarred my shoulder on it a couple years ago and mom always happens to run into it when she's over here. Not only that but our refrigerator is making on-the-verge-of-death gurgling sounds, we have no washer or dryer, no dishwasher, our front stairs are so steep its illegal, and the bathroom faucet either shoots out cold or hot - no WARM. So you've been lovely, mr. apartment, but it's time to move on. And if that means a bigger, better, and more applianced *house* then bring it on! And, I've gotta thank my mom because it was her that offered to make this possible for us. Thanks mom!!!
....................................

7:10 PM   I have great news! I went to the doctor's today and had another ultrasound and my first internal exams, which I'll be having now every week until birth. Naomi was sooo cute in the ultrasound. We actually saw her sucking her fingers and got a picture of it! Although, it's pretty difficult to tell it from a static picture. The doctor says that Naomi's size is great (she's 6 lbs, 7 ozs) and that the amniotic fluid has stabilized so I have nothing to worry about. He also told me that I'm 2 cms dialated and that I won't make it to my due date, which is June 13th! Isn't that great?! It's like Christmas coming early! He says that I should be fine for another week - so that's next Wednesday. I'm so excited! I guess I'm going to arrange to leave work a week earlier than scheduled, which will be difficult because there's so much there left to be done.

The crib was delivered today too :) It's big and beautiful with curly edges that match the dresser I have, which was my grandma and her sister's dresser as a girl. Charles is assembling it right now. I'm just so happy and excited and a bit nervous. I can't wait to meet Naomi and dress her in the cute pink outfits that I received at the shower.

By the way, the shower was very fun. My mom and Charles' mom arranged it at a nice Irish restaurant. My auntie Laurie came and so did one of Charlie's sisters, Kim with her husband Kevin. We all had a great time. I received tons of cute little outfits, a baby bath, a memory album, a mobile, diaper bag and tons of other things! His mom gave us the crib and mattress and my mom is taking us out shopping on Saturday for all the other necessities that we need like a car seat, bedding, stroller, etc.

Having a baby is now seeming very fun. And so is the thought of losing this stomach!
....................................

6:39 PM   So we went to the birthing class tour of the hospital yesterday. Real thrilling (I'm being sarcastic). It was boring as sin! Again! Maybe I shouldn't have such high expectations of this class. I don't think it's meant for us. Last night was particularly dreadful in that the group of us pregnant ladies had to stand up for what felt like hours upon hours. I could see the distinct look of torture on every woman's face. The kicker of it all was that we were standing for topics that were completely unrelated to the hospital rooms. The tour of the first room (birthing room) culminated in one of the smaller women roaming around like she was having contractions and eventually broke down and said she needed to sit. Thank God! I knew I wasn't alone. I was ready to sit on the floor at that point. I made it a mission to be the first to scope out an available chair in the next room. When I got it I felt kinda guilty because there were only 2 chairs so I ended up listening to the scuffling of the preggo's feet instead of the instructor. Half way through, I gave my seat up to another lady.

So, that ends what effort I've put trying to make this class work. Charles and I aren't going any longer. Big waste of time for us. It's a pity that money was spent on it and I doubt I'll be reimbursed by insurance. That's life! Better than wasting money AND time, ya know. Anyway, when we left a little early from child birth classes (we ditched it after the movies), my car battery started acting up again. Charles fixed it and I was impressed.

Naomi has been moving around a bit lately. I went to my appt yesterday morning. They hooked me up to that machine again, although this time it was in a really amusing room! The nurse felt apprehensive about putting me there, but I actually enjoyed it. It was an older doctor's office whos wife felt it her duty to decorate it to the hilt! Decorative plates upon decorative plates were hung upon the wall. Paintings with huge gawdy gold trim, framed doilies, pictures hung with not 1/4 inch between them... It was very entertaining. Even Charles got a kick out of the crocheted doily which was slung on the back of his chair and made a comment on how unusual it was to see such a thing on a cold sterile office chair. Hehe.

So we laughed just as much as last time although this time at the older doctor's wife's expense. I'm sure everyone in the other rooms could hear us too.

I have another ultrasound scheduled next week and also an exam. My doctor says there's not the typical amount of amniotic fluid - so he's going to see how it looks. However, He says the baby's movement is perfect in the non stress test. I guess I'm getting internal exams from now on to see if I dialate.
....................................

12:43 PM   You really know you're huge as a whale when strangers yell "You're getting big!" from across the parking lot. lol. Isn't that a riot? I just went out to my car to get a pepsi and these guys that normally take their break at the company next door screamed it out. I think they meant it in an endearing way (at least I hope so!) so I smiled and they smiled back. It was so amusing that the moment I came back into work I told my coworkers and they were like, "want us to go kick their ass?". Hah! funny. Makes me really want Naomi to come on out. I can't wait to have my body back!
....................................

7:02 PM   We played hooky from the ol' boring birthing class last Wednesday. That thing has got to be the most useless waste of time in the world. We'd rather be at the laundromat. Frankly, I spent the two hours taking a nap! However, this week, I'm looking forward to getting a tour of the hospital and equipment.

My belly is as big as ever and sometimes I doubt whether or not I should be working. I get sleepy attacks throughout the day, usually late morning, early afternoon and sometimes feel a little under the weather. It might just be my sub-conscious lazying out on me because I'm working on that blasted User Manual. That's when I take a chess, word racer, or yahoo graffiti break. I guess I just am pissed because I was thrown the huge task of writing a 70+ page User Manual, having to explain everything in detail from manual installation to customization of the product in a short amount of time. I'm kinda mad at my boss for not hiring some Tech Writers. It's been about 2 weeks now and I'm dawdling in boredom and can't see the end.

Anyway, this weekend is my baby shower :) I should be at home now cleaning up and making room for Naomi. It's going to be fun.
....................................

12:56 PM   Charles and I went in for my non-stress test yesterday. They strapped some long foamy cube things around my waist to hold the couple of round suction-looking monitor things on my belly. Basically, the non stress test checks to see how well the baby moves. I think my doctor did it cause of the small for gestational age worry he had. But it turns out everything is ok! I was asked to press a clicker (like jeopardy) every time I felt a movement. Suprisingly, Naomi moved a lot :) The nurse left us alone for about 20 minutes and Charles and I gabbed about various amusements. During the test, you can hear the baby's heart beat and to me it sounded like horses but Charles thought it sounded like monkeys and at one point he monkey-danced around the office making Oooo - Oooo noises. I laughed so hard that it distorted a section of the heart monitoring graph.

Last night we had our birthing classes again. They last 2 hours till 9pm, one day a week, for 6 weeks. Charles and I mutually complained about the length and content of the classes when we got home. They could jam pack those 12 hours into 4, I'm telling you. It's not that the instructor isn't good at teaching, it's just that the meat is packed in a bunch of boring fluff. Really, the only gem in this class is the fact that we'll be touring the facility. I can find all the other important information that I need to know on the internet and get the meat - quick! The most tedious part of the whole class is the relaxation to muzak in pitch dark. By that time, I could be at home practicing "relaxation" by sleeping on my comfy bed. I feel for the mothers who have a longer commute home than 5 minutes. We're all 3rd trimester - you'd think they'd refine the classes to be brief but jam-packed with information and spread out over 6 weeks. Us mothers have a lot to prepare for, have uncomfortable bellys and need our sleep!

So anyway, I only have 5 more weeks to go! yay! My boss has been extra supportive about my maternity leave plan. Basically, I want to take 6 weeks for baby, and then work part-time from home for another 6 weeks. He said that the first 6 months are the most important and I may want to stay and work from home for another 3 months, ocassionally coming in with the baby (since I have an office). I'm pretty pleased about this.

As for when I'm leaving - I plan to work up until the week before my due date. That way, I have more time with Naomi. It's been getting tougher now with the physical discomfort. My belly is huge and I'm crabby and can't concentrate. The worst part is I'm not doing anything that comes naturally to me at work - instead of web design, I'm writing the User Manual for our software. It sucks and I feel like I'm probably not doing a good job. Plus, I have people asking me how long it's going to take. Hehe! Like I can estimate that! I've never written a manual in my life and I have no idea on how the book should be setup so that it would be easy for readers to follow. I don't even know the target market. No one in the company does! So I'm basically working off an outline that I've devised from exploring many, many other User Manuals. I remind myself that 'heck, I'm no tech writer anyway, so how can they expect any better?' *sigh* (In case you don't know, I'm taking a break from the blasted manual as we speak :)
....................................

6:07 PM   It's a GIRL! :)

When we first stepped into the tiny ultrasound room, the technician said, "Too small for gestational age?" And I'm like, "Uhhh... ??????". So I'm thinking maybe my doctor said something like that so that the insurance will pay for my 2nd ultrasound. I played along with it and said things like, "Oh gosh, are the sizes measuring up?" while she's tallying the numbers. I didn't want her to know that I was DYING to find out the sex, pretty much the SOLE reason for my ultrasound (I begged my doctor) and that dammit if she couldn't find out this time, I'd take the thingie-ma-jig and do it myself. Anyway, when she concluded it was a girl by "little hamburger buns" I was really in disbelief. Here I am thinking I'm carrying a boy all this time and she thinks 'little hamburger buns' means a girl?! But Charles said she must know what she's doing so I didn't fuss. However, I *did* question my doctor and said, "sooooo.. do you think this looks like a girl?" and he said he couldn't determine by a still shot. That made me a bit nervous - with getting tons of pinks things and all. :)

We went to make my next appointmnt and I'm telling Charles, "maybe we shouldn't say they said it was a girl". Of course, the receptionists pitched in and said, "Ohhhh.. it's a girl?" and I said, "Well they say it is but I don't believe little hamburger buns looks like a girl", thinking to myself, hamburger buns resemble boy's balls, if anything! We get home and I get on the internet immediately looking up ultrasound gender pics and can you believe it - not ONE boy ultrasound pic resembles a hamburger bun! But the majority of girls do! I was shocked and then the joy of having a girl hit me and so I wanted to settle on a name.

Charles and I have pretty much decided her formal name will be "Naomi Lynn" and we'd call her Nami. We had several choices before then and ran by them with online friends. Of course, none of them picked the name Naomi but it did help to determine whether we really liked the others. Charles still likes "Mako" but it reminds me too much of Better Get Macco and other people say it's too sharky. When his friend joked about having a shark tattoo and making a smooth transition with the name as a Stripper, that steered me off that name for good.

Back to the Doctors- it turns out he *does* think Naomi is small for her gestational age. I'm going back next week to get a non stress test.. so we'll see. I'm in my 34th week now. Can barely sleep on the bed anymore because of the pressure it puts on my hips. I normally wake up in the middle of the night and move to the couch - it's Fantastic!! Thank God for that sofa. I love it with a passion. Ok so moving on... other complaints are heartburn and stretch marks. I've got tons of them now. Doctor says there's no way to prevent them because it has to do with your skin type - I still put on lotion though. I don't mind that much really. The only thing that is really discomforting is my belly. Some days it hurts like it's too big for my body. This makes me think the doctor's insane for thinking Naomi is on the small side. She's HUGE in my opinion!

Today it occured to me that I'd be in a better situation laid off than working and taking leave. This job is really unstable. Louis, the "CTO" has just announced his resignation and when he did the owner thought about shutting down the whole software department. It definitely takes a certain personality to stay with a company that has such a high turn-over. I can only name about 4 people in here that would stay given the choice, including myself. But, I know I should look at other options. Hate to say it, but I'm kinda bummed that he didn't ditch the whole software side so that I could collect unemployment instead of 3 months without pay and actually having to pay $500 a month for health insurance. To me, it seems odd that there'd be more support for the unemployed than taking maternity leave sooooo that leaves me with the task of investigating.
....................................

6:48 PM   It's been a while, eh? Anyway, you know when you stay home all day maybe because you're out of work or maybe you took a vacation or something... it seems you have SO much time and then boom you're in the middle of it and it's really not so much time. Where does the day go? Well, now picture it filled with full-time work, consultant work, cleaning, pregnancy, hungriness, sleepiness, bills, and all the other stuff life brings. One barely has time to enjoy oneself. That's my life. I may not get time to work on the website or on my other website projects, but I mean well. (Mom, I hope you understand).

So how is it I found the time to write this? Charles is at his class and I'm here at the library essentially forced to find something to do - so I figured I'd update. I still don't know what sex the baby is, although I *do* find out NEXT week! yay! I haven't had many dreams (mostly work dreams) and I haven't yet prepared for the little person - all I have are the cute baby pajamas and other clothing Grammy sent me. So needless to say, I'm a little anxious. The apartment needs some major pickup and I don' t have the time to do it. Hehe that reminds me - you know the smell of extremely insidious bad breath?? Well, that's what my dishes that are sitting in the sink smell like. Seriously.

The weather here has been great - warm like summer and I'm loving it. I need to get me some more short-sleeve shirts though but I hate to spend the money for something that's only a few months away - not even. Today Charles talked me into trying on one of his shirts and wear it to work- but t-shirts look so unprofessional so I gave up. I've found that people treat me different now that I'm pregnant (at work). Almost as if I have some unnatural thing going on with me and they're afraid. This is mostly everyone except Minh, my boss. He's bubbly and actually enjoys talking about my status and kids. He has 2 and you can tell, he thinks it's the best thing that ever happened to him.

I'm slowing talking myself into the pleasures of having a child. I hope most people are right when they say it's the best thing in life. I think they may be right but at this point I can't help but consider it such a drastic, enormously life-changing event it is. With so many goals and other problems that I'm working through right now, I really can't afford to get depressed over it.
....................................

2:45 PM   This past week has been horrible. Geez! Where do I start? Right now I have the worst arm cramps and it's in continuation of last night (worst night ever). I can barely walk and I'm on the craziest scariest emotional rollercoaster. I'm so angry at having to deal with this crap and my mom isn't even home to talk with. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I think I'm losing it. I cried and laughed hysterically in bed last night for 15 minutes. I even peed my pants I laughed so hard, then it turned into uncontrolled crying, then laughter again, then crying.

I'm so bitchy to everyone at work that it upsets me. I get uptight over the silliest things.
....................................

7:13 PM   Well, no sooner does the kicking start when it suddenly feels like you're lugging around a bowling ball. I've suffered with this feeling all week long. Plus, pains in the stomach don't make it any easier. *sigh* It's nice to know the baby's there, though. And when baby kicks now you can kinda distinguish the type of movement. Sometimes baby swirls around causing the most intense butterly feelings. It's pleasant. I'm sure I'll have more to complain about down the line. I guess it only gets worse from here. I can't imagine actually being bigger!
....................................

3:37 PM   I just got back from my ultrasound appt and it turns out they can't tell what sex the baby is! I'm a bit disappointed but was very thrilled to see the baby's head and feet and spine and all that good stuff. The technician told us that she may be able to fit us in sometime after our next appt if she doesn't have any patients. She also said not to eat any chocolate lol. And I was like, "chocolate?" and she said, "Because of the caffeine." I thought for a moment and said, "But all I had today was water .. oh yeah and tea! The tea must of did it." (The baby was very active throughout the session) It'd seem logical to me, to *want* the baby to be active but she told us it's easier to tell when he's sleepy. In the car I mentioned this to Charles then remembered I had a devil dog too - oops! AND then remembered for breakfast I had apple crisp LOL. Talk about a lot of sugar. I've concluded that I'm going to cut down my caffeine again and sugar intake.

We did get 4 ultrasound pictures. I plan to post them under "Pictures" later tonight.
....................................

10:24 PM   Guess what?! Tomorrow we get to find out what sex the baby is! I'm so excited and I feel like it's been sooooo long... long time waiting to become bigger, long time waiting to see what if I'd feel ok during pregnancy, long time waiting for feeling the baby kick, just too long a time -pregnancy should be shorter! It's like waiting for the seasons to see any real change. Anyway, I'm extremely excited because they say the baby becomes more of a family member when you know what it is. Also, we'll be able to finally get serious about baby names.

Along with this intense impatience, I've never been moodier. I'm SO moody it surprises me! One moment I'm happy watching tv, the next I'm on the bed crying about everything in my life - and I mean *everything* no matter how little or unlogical. Charles got a kick out of my excuses for crying - like one was because I'm fed up with waiting to find out the sex, another was because it takes me a while to find matching socks. It's not just moodiness that I'm experiencing now either - it's like a big clot of aggrevations: moodiness, impatience, fatigue, extreme hunger, unattractiveness, bloating, spaciness. How do women survive this?!

Work has been going alright. My manager has been very supportive plus the new corner office I have now makes my work utter bliss. I feel upset with myself at work mostly because I don't have the same concentration or ability to multitask as before. I've been forgetting to do slight things on my to do list and when I expressed my disappointment with myself over this, my manager was like, "So. You're pregnant. My wife would burn grilled cheese sandwiches and then go cry about it." I related so much with that statement.
....................................

2:02 PM   A friend just mentioned to me this site: http://dww.deafworldweb.org/asl/

It has an article about how sign language for babies is a great method of communication before speech. It's a really cool idea I think, because not only will the baby be brought up with a type of second language, but it's also less frustrating for the baby - being able to communicate its needs more effectively, as well as help with speech development when its able. They also say that baby can learn to sign as early as 6 months. Neato!

This past week I've been extremely tired - wasting hours upon hours sleeping during the day. Along with sleeping comes the nuisance of positioning my body just right so I don't feel too uncomfy. I sleep so much on my left side that sometimes my hips hurt and I've been eating like a monstrous pig.The best part about this part of my pregnancy is feeling real baby movements. It's so indescribably wholesome-feeling and good that I just sit and enjoy feeling the baby and think how great life is. Of course, the movements don't last very long :)
....................................

7:09 PM   My Grandmother passed away yesterday. I got a call at noon, while at work from mom. Her passing was completely unexpected. I haven't seen my Grandma since before Christmas. We had plans but she canceled them due to some reason or another. Right now I feel just awful. I stayed up until 3am last night researching what type of funeral preparations need to be done. I'm so exhausted, weary, and bleh. If she held out a few more months, she would of had a great grandchild.

We're curious to know why this happened. This past month, she wasn't doing too well. Larry says she usually arranges Doctor's appointments for the month of December -it never fails, but this December she had no appointments. We don't know if she gave up, had a falling out with her doctor, or something else. She stopped taking most of her medication. Maybe because she was fed up? She isn't like that. Besides, she has her 2 cats which she adores.

Larry had last spoke with her on Tuesday. Wednesday he called late but she didn't answer, he figured she'd call him back within an hour as she normally does. She didn't, so he was planning to call her Thursday morning. On his way to work, he thought about it and decided to stop and call. She didn't answer. So he turned around and drove back home and to her house and found her. It's awful to hear the story.

We just brought her cats home tonight. We couldn't find any sign of them yesterday and were worried that they may have gotten out.

Today we also finished making her funeral preparations. It's really tough because you're under a limited time to make a decision as to what she would like done. In our case, we had only 1 day. I don't understand the complete reasons for the funeral director rushing us. I asked him today and he said it's the paper work. In order to have anything performed, he has to contact the city and the city closes at 3:30 pm today, and Martin Luther King day is Monday. I thought it may have been the embalming, but he really wanted to know our casket situation - whether he'd have to order it. Don't they get caskets delivered within 24 hours? All the places I've seen do. We're having a Thursday service. That's plenty of time.

Now that the consumer has the right to purchase a casket outside of the funeral home, we looked into it. I researched *everything* last night. It's tough to find information, especially about local casket retailers. There aren't many funeral homes nor funeral wholesalers who want you to know about the places that sell caskets directly to the consumer. As a matter of fact, we had one place that reprimanded us for even looking into it. I plan to write an article about the experience when things have calmed down. I also plan to post a website with a bunch of resources and information that would help people just like us, who are curious about the alternatives. I personally feel more involved, and this funeral more special because of our time and effort arranging most of the details.

I'm on my 20th week now of pregnancy and right now I FEEL the baby kicking! It's pretty neato. I wonder if baby knows I'm upset.
....................................

11:44 PM   I'm starting to feel some major stomach pains when I get up from sitting. Ligaments stretching again? Also, there's more pressure in my stomach. Plus I've been experiencing aches and pains everywhere. I told Charles last night that if I continue on this route, they'll need a crane to move me to the hospital come labor time. I guess I'm suppose to exercise, right? We don't take walks anymore cause it's dead winter with ice and all other cold & dark unimaginables. I rarely have the time to do anything else between work, napping, and extra work. Ah, heck, I'll just bite it and look into stretching tomorrow. It's becoming a necessity. Along with all these complaints, I'm plagued by headaches. Japanese techno doesn't help either, Charles. What does help is his breakfast sandwiches, though! Beats Dunkin Donuts without a second thought. He's been fantastic to me.

I dreamt about the baby last night :) It was tiny! The size of a peanut and sooo cute and lovable. And now that I think of it, looked a bit like Woodstock, Snoopy's cute friend. I loved it to pieces. I'm so looking forward to holding my very own baby, reading to it, changing its diapers...

There was one worry that I had but Charles dispelled it quickly - that was if raising children were like raising cats. I have one cat here that is soooo naughty that it takes every ounce of patience in my body to refrain from finding it another home. It's a love hate relationship because he gets in these amazingly cuddly moods and it's totally awesome but next minute he's up on the stove knocking the spices off the spice rack or biting my toes when I get in bed. Sounds mild, but if you lived with him you'd be worried about his behavior when the baby comes. The best thing, I think, is for him to take a long hiatus and maybe we can try again later.

....................................

5:02 PM   I've noticed I've been sleeping late, feeling lazy and crabby. I'm blaming pregnancy! I'm becoming much more excited about the baby now that I feel stomach flurries. I just lie in bed and daydream about having the baby there to cuddle and loving him or her till the love pops out. I also think of how I'll feel when the baby first smiles at me and also of how fast he'll grow. This is going to be fun :)

Mom gave me the baby's first book, "The Runaway Bunny" last night. I remember the book from when I was little. That was sweet. I'm borrowing mom & Larry's digital camera now too. I'm really thrilled to have it this week because a friend of mine has shared with me some fantastic pics and it's giving me an itch to photograph things. I should of borrowed it long before because I want to document my belly. We've been thinking about buying a digital camcorder for when the baby comes along... I guess I'll be satisfied with anything better than my old dinky earthlink camera.

Work is going great - I've been busy plus I found out I may have my own corner office with windows! I actually entertained the thought about coming back before my 3 months are up... but then I remembered nothing is as important as being with my baby during his first months... not even a corner office ;)
....................................

10:18 PM   Well, I suppose there *is* some truth to sleeping on the left side vs. right. Regardless of the fact that overall most sleeping positions suck when pregnant, the left is becoming more and more comfortable each night - that is in comparison to the others. It still isn't what it used to be. What I reeeally want is to sleep on my stomach but I freak when there's pressure on my stomach so I've gotten used to bending one of my legs as high as it can go. A temporary fix :( I won't be able to sleep this way in a few weeks, I'm sure.

What I'm decidedly pleased with are these maternity clothes. They are the comfiest of comfies! I love them. Feels like I'm wearing pajamas to work. I don't like to look too pregnant at work so I've adopted the habit of wearing cardigans that cover most of the tie strings and extra garment that I'll be sure to fill when I'm further along. The only problem with this whole setup is I don't look very cute anymore lol plus with all the cardigans I look like an old lady. As a matter of fact, a person commented today they thought I was 26 :( 2 years older than I am! No biggie but it's still older :p

You know what's been the worst nuisance? Burping! I used to nag Charles about it and now he has the opportunity to poke fun. He's been understanding though and we have contests hehe. I beat him by the sheer number of times I burp in an hour but he's still the man when it comes to scope and depth of a burp. I come close.. but not that close.

I think this phase (at 18-19 weeks) is the most change I've experienced since conception. The belly is SO noticeable both inside and out. This must be the crossing line from being told your pregnant to actually feeling pregnant. Of course, I had it easy without hardly any morning sickness. I do get persistent headaches from time to time. Now I feel the pressure of the baby.. feel my stomach expand like after a Thanksgiving dinner. It's almost uncomfortable.
....................................

11:00 PM   Damn I'm a fatty. I'm at the maternity clothes crossover. I wouldn't mind *that* much if I had some palpable baby kicking to remind me there's a point to all of this. So now there's no more even trying to squeeze-into-my-pants-by-leaving-the-button-undone because now my rump is growing too!

Anyway, there's really no distinguishable baby kicking that I can tell so I'm dissatisfied with the whole ordeal. Plus, I have a lot of worries on my mind. We can't decide whether or not to move from our 1 bedroom apt. The rent is so great here and the thought of moving (putting down 1st month, last, deposit, packing, moving, getting settled) into a 2 bedroom is unnerving. Especially because I'll be out of work for 3 months without pay - paying rent, utilities, food, car, half of my health benefits, and baby needs. Also, I'd have to actually commute to work.

Well, I'm thankful at least for not having to worry about telling work anymore - which was a huge concern. Fortunately, we have an awesome CTO, who I work under and he's been very supportive. I couldn't predict how the CEO of the company would act though, so it brought all sorts of anxiety to my mind. He took the news well and it almost made me feel like, 'why the heck did I worry so much?!'. Of course, maternity leave plans still need to be sorted out and confirmed. I hope they'll allow me to work part-time from home during the last 6 weeks of leave. There is still the fact that we're hiring a new designer now to help with the smaller sites, so I'm kinda antsy about that. Under the FMLA, I know I'm guaranteed a similar job, pay, and seniority... but it's still a worry!

I've noticed that my food cravings are changing. I was totally repulsed by soda and coffee during my first trimester - but now it's yummy again! I've been craving more vegetables lately, and apart from that it's been very tough to think of something that really hits the spot.

Mom told me she thinks of me and the baby 90% of the time. You should hear the remainder of her calculations for my dad, and her 5 cats, lol. I guess she's *really* looking forward to this :)

....................................

11:05 PM   I've been having these stomach pains lately within the last couple weeks. I shrug it off as just the ligaments stretching - I hope that's all it is! They say by now, I should start to feel my baby. Uh.. I feel rustling like a hungry stomach, not really satisfying 'baby movement', ya know. Well, it's only going to get more prominent as time progresses so I guess I'll wait and see.

I'm extremely excited to finally find out what sex IT is! -That's happening on the 30th this month and Charles and I will go together. He's not intent on finding out but I definitely am! If I have to go through 9 months of this strangeness then I get the say. It's only practical too because of all the preparations we have to make. Plus, I know I'll simmer down into the reality stage and be able to daydream about all the wonderful things my child will do and say and be. At least at this point, I feel almost disconnected. I'm frustrated about it too because I always imagined a pregnant woman to be blissfully spiritually and mentally connected with the little thing living inside her. I don't have that and I rarely even dream of my baby! That's upsetting.

Anyway, we treated ourselves to japanese tonight. Charles always opens the doors for me, which is so considerate and I thanked him by one of our pet names, 'Nash'. We have a gazillion pet names because he's great at making them up -Myniak, Lovecat, Happle, and on and on and on... Anyway, I suggested that as a name for a baby boy and he liked it! Hehe! So maybe our boy will be named Nash. Who knows. He thinks it's better than Angelo :) We have problems with finding good girls names, though. Tonight's higher ratings were Athena, Lin, and as always, Isabella.
....................................

9:43 PM   Yes! Well, now that my journal is set up for me to be lazzzy and just blog it.. I'm gonna get going on the content for my other pages. And maybe find a little less obtrusive blogger logo.
....................................

9:14 PM   Oh my first blogs never work. I took a long vacation from blogger and now I'm back and haveta make reacquaintance.
....................................